Yada Yada

It's been forever since I've updated this or any of my journals, and I apologize. Not that anyone really reads them, I'm sure, but...still.

My avoidance has been very bad the past few months. To the point where interacting, even on the internet, has terrified me. I'm trying to get over that, little by little, but in doing so I've had to build a fortress around myself, and that makes things rather less than exciting. Hence, not feeling that anything in my life was worth posting about.

I still feel incredibly thankful to be in Sweden. School is much more difficult than I anticipated, originally, but I'm trying. I finally received my personnummer at the end of November, entitling me to Swedish state health care, and I plan to take full advantage of it starting in the spring for my anxiety as well as my diabetes (including my bad eye). I'd do so now, but clinic and hospital visits still have fees, although MUCH lower than in America, and...I'm broke. And it's not life or death, so I can deal for another month. I have gotten insulin, though, and it feels like stealing to be able to go the pharmacy and pick it up without being charged. It's absolutely wonderful. Of course, I know this will set me back when I have to return to the States, but right now it feels like I won the lottery, as silly as that sounds.

Today is Christmas Eve, and most Swedes celebrate the holiday today. I'll be on my own, as I usually am on Christmas, but it's fine with me. My lovely friends will be with their own families, and I've been promised their company soon, so I'm looking forward to that. My best friend also sent me a wrapped present that I wasn't allowed to open until today, and while I already know what it is, I'm still excited. I'll also be watching Kalle Anka (Donald Duck, a bunch of old cartoons in an hour long special that's shown every Christmas Eve in Sweden, a big tradition here and one I find adorable).

Other than that, no big plans. I have an essay and my ten page thesis proposal to be working on, but I'm taking the weekend off from worrying about either of them and will just sit here in my jammies watching movies, reading fiction and drinking Coke.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays everyone, hope they're great! :D

Just got back from a lovely two day trip to Copenhagen. It was basically spur of the moment and because it's easy to get there and doesn't take long, but I can now cross another city off my list of must-sees.

I went with my best friend, and I can't imagine anyone better to have gone with. We took an overnight bus down and were planning to take one back the same night, but by the time we got to the city and walked a bit, we needed to find somewhere to rest for at least a little while. We found a hotel and asked if it were possible to rent a room for a few hours, but it wasn't, so we paid for the whole night. Seemed silly to leave so soon after that, and I'm glad we didn't. Would have been way too much in one day.

It was beautiful weather, unseasonably warm and very sunny, so we definitely lucked out there. We wandered around most of the day, doing a lot of the touristy stuff. It was really nice, and I was more relaxed than I've been in ages. The city is just beautiful, and I'm really glad my phone has such a good camera because I got some really nice pictures. We went to a Mexican restaurant in the city center for lunch (lol) because my best friend is a Stockholmer and hadn't had authentic Mexican food before. Sadly, she still hasn't, because it was rather lacking. We both got a sort of enchilada variety plate, and while it was okay, it was...nothing really special. But it was still good, and we continued walking around after that.

I had only brought one pair of shoes with me when I flew over from the States, a rather new pair of Adidas Superstars. While they're comfortable, they're not exactly walking shoes, and my feet were killing me by early afternoon. So we stopped at a Foot Locker and I bought myself a pair of sparkly lavender and orange Adidas running shoes. They sound garish but they're really not too bad, and they're incredibly comfortable.

After that we wandered a bit more, and looked around the Lego store, which was the highlight of the trip for me. After that we decided we wanted to get impulse tattoos, so we found a parlor. When informed it would be a wait, we went for drinks at an Irish pub. While there, we decided that the tattoos were too expensive to be a good idea, so we got dinner and more drinks instead. lol. After that we decided to keep drinking, so we went down the road to a fairly fancy bar, at which we drank disgusting drinks and had cheesecake. By this time we were pretty drunk, so we went back to the hotel, stopping at a hot dog vendor on the way, about which we laughed a lot because we are mentally twelve years old.

The next morning, we realized that breakfast had been included in the room cost, so we decided to stay a bit longer and take advantage of it. Best decision EVER. It was amazing. Tons of really good food, including some of thebest bleu cheese I've ever had.

After that, we headed for the train station. After some initial confusion we managed to get a train home, with a 5 hour stop in Malmö. This was actually good since it gave us a chance to wind down a little bit.

All in all it was one of the best trips I've ever taken, and the first with a friend. Loved it and I'm so glad I went.

Been in Sweden for about a week and a half now. It's been good, mostly catching up with friends. I did start school and went to the introductory seminar, met my classmates and teachers, and it wasnt as bad as it could have been with the whole avoidance thing. I'm still waiting on my loan funds and need to go get my residence permit card, but otherwise I've been trying to acclimate myself back into the country.

Tonight, though, i might have ruined all of it. I've been trying really hard to adjust my diabetes and have been doing okay, but tonight I had two seizures so bad I banged my head. Those used to happen a lot more often but theyre kinda rare now and Im scared my friends might not like me anymore because of it. They seemed very annoyed and i really just want to run away so they never have to look at me again.

I know it's been forever, aside from the copypasted posts from my other blogs. I honestly have no idea why I have so many. I guess that like everything else I have a terrible time making decisions, and I sort of like being able to post certain things in certain places. I've missed IJ though, and I feel comfortable here, so I'd like to get back into at least a semi-regular updating pattern.

A lot has been happening recently, most of which revolves around my application and acceptance to Uppsala University, and the approval of my residence permit. In less than 5 days I'll be leaving Moline, hopefully for good, but for at least two years while I study for a master's degree. To say I'm happy would be the understatement of the century. I still can't believe I've gotten so lucky, and I keep waiting to wake up from the dream and realize it's not real. But that hasn't happened yet, so I'm doing my best to accept that maybe I do deserve something that I've really wanted. I'm going to try to make the best of it and not take any of it for granted.

To be perfectly honest I never believed it would happen. I'd sent applications to schools in Norway and The Netherlands too, since I was so positive Uppsala wouldn't accept me. Even if they did, with the new tuition fees for non-EU students I thought there'd be no way I could ever afford it, even with student loans. To my complete and utter shock I was not only accepted but approved for some extra student loan funds which will be plenty to live comfortably on.

I thought the lucky streak would end and that my student residence permit would be denied, since I applied for one before and wasn't accepted. Those courses were all online, though, and the American student loan system changed while I was there the first time. I was still super anxious waiting to hear something for three months, though, and expected them to say no. For some reason, they didn't, and last week I got an email saying that I was approved.

I keep waiting for it to sink in. I've been buying things and making plans, but it still doesn't feel real to me. I just...how do I deserve this? Sweden has always felt like home to me. I'm still avoidant and will always have issues, but I'm just not as anxious so often when I'm in Sweden. And I have friends there, real ones, three of whom are only a short bus ride away from Uppsala and the others an overnight ride.

I feel like this is a second chance for me. I think, just maybe, I can at least make an attempt to become the person I want to be. I'll be able to apply for a personnummer, and will have better health care than I've ever had in America. That alone makes me feel like I've won the lottery. I'll also be at a large university, and will try my hardest to socialize as much as I can. I'm going to join a choir, something I haven't been part of for years now and miss terribly.

In short, the universe is really being nice to me right now, and I'm just sort of floating around in a daze. I really cannot wait.

since I’m really disorganized in my head right now. I’m very happy to be going, don’t get me wrong, but I was so sure it wasn’t going to happen that I was sort of knocked on my ass when things finally came together.Now I feel like I’m scrabbling to get everything together at the last minute, although in reality I have very little left that I need to do before I go.

I finally told my family that I’m going. Most of them took it very well, but my Nans (my mother’s mother) is having a hard time with it. I made her cry, and I feel horrible for that. When I’m in the States I live in the upper apartment of my great grandmother’s duplex, since it’d be sitting empty otherwise. I also try to keep an eye on her, but it’s difficult because even at 99 she’s stubborn as a mule and refuses to let me help her with anything. Still, I try to check on her a few times a day and help with whatever she’ll let me do, and I know it’s going to be really rough on my Nans to know that she’s here mostly alone. (My…I guess he’d be a second cousin? something of that sort anyway) lives in the basement apartment, but he’s a bit…different, and while a nice guy I’m not sure he’d know what to do if something should happen to her. So I feel really bad for taking that peace of mind away, but as my Nans said, I can’t put my life on hold for that. I suppose that’s true, but I still feel guilty.

I went to the library and got all the paperwork I should need printed off, including my plane ticket. I have that all packed in my file folder, and I have a compression bag of clothes already packed. I need to try to roll it down a bit more, but aside from doing laundry before I go and packing a few little things from that, I’m ready clothes-wise. I also packed up most of my diabetic supplies, and went today to get the remaining refills on my insulin to take with me. Really, the only things I have left to pack are the insulin itself and my carry on bag with laptop, phone and some little things.

I also need to clean the apartment, mainly the food. I’ve been shopping light for awhile so as not to have much to get rid of, and my family will be taking some of the frozen and dry things. Then I’ll have to vacuum, scrub everything down, dust and mop the kitchen floor. I’ll be leaving the apartment pretty much intact since it’ll be empty anyway, but I’d like to get it as clean as I possibly can.

See? I knew this post would be rambly. I think the stress of having an actual departure date and knowing that this is really happening are putting me a little on edge. I’m sure things will be just fine, but the anticipation/anxiety from these final days in America is freaking me out a little anyway.

I’m still sort of in shock at being granted the residence permit. I’m not sure when it’s going to sink in, but it hasn’t yet! I’ve gotten everything I could ever possibly need for the trip over, though, even travel-sized bottles of shampoo and bodywash from the drugstore. I’m planning to carry everything on rather than checking, since I’ll have to change planes in Chicago. I’ve made this same flight before several times and never had an issue with luggage being lost, but it’d be my luck that this time I will, so I’d rather not risk it.

I’ll be arriving on the 24th, which is two days after the recommended arrival date and right in the middle of orientation week. From what I’ve read, the orientation activities mainly involve parties for new students at the nations, which are something unique to the cities of Lund, Uppsala and Helsinki and are something of a cross between a frat/sorority, a social club and a pub/cafe, usually with choirs, bands and other clubs and organizations. I’ll try to describe them more on a later post when I’ve had a bit more experience with them, but since I’m somewhat averse to parties of the sort that seem to go on there I’d much rather not go. There are also some meetings for international students, but the week seems centered more around tours of the city and nation parties than anything else, and quite frankly I just don’t feel it necessary.

I also haven’t found any accommodation yet, so one of my friends in Stockholm was kind enough to invite me to go to her country house until classes begin on the 29th. I’m going to go and try to relax a little before classes start. I know I’ll need to choose a nation and acclimate myself to Uppsala itself, but I’d really rather save the money I’d have to spend at a hotel to be there for orientation. I’ll need to be there for my first course meeting of course, but I think the other things should be easy enough to figure out after that, especially since I won’t have an address until September 1st if I’m offered an apartment for the short term.

I still can’t really believe it, and I’m sitting here expecting it to be revoked at any second, but I was given approval for a student residence permit yesterday. Once I knew, I booked a flight as soon as I could. Orientation week begins the 22nd and I was hoping to be in Sweden a bit before that so that I could recover from the jetlag, which affects me and the diabetes quite a bit. I was also going to spend some time with my friends in Stockholm before school stuff started. Flight prices were over a thousand dollars for any date prior to August 23rd, though, so I decided to book something a bit cheaper. I ended up paying $789 for a one-way ticket to Arlanda from Moline, with a stopover in Chicago. I could have booked something cheaper and had more stops, but I figured I’d make things as easy on myself as possible. The plane leaves at 1:40pm Chicago time, and after the stopover and flight, it’s scheduled to land at 7:45am in Stockholm.

I’m still in a sort of daze about it. I tend to feel like I don’t deserve anything good, and when I actually manage to get good things, it’s hard to accept. I emailed my program’s contact person with my arrival date and asked if there’s anything I need to do regarding registration or anything like that before the first class meeting (Monday the 29th). Haven’t heard back yet, but I feel better having asked.

I still have no idea where I’ll be living. I applied for one of the short-term apartments through the student union, and I’m sure it’ll be fine, but occupancy on those isn’t until September 1st. So I’ll have about a week or so to figure out. I can afford to stay in a hotel or a hostel, but I really don’t want to since they’re so expensive in Sweden. I’m not sure, maybe I’ll ask the Stockholmers if they’d mind me crashing there for a bit.

I still have some things to get settled before I leave, namely telling my grandparents I’ll be going. They’re steadfastly against the idea because they had to pay for my flight home the last time I was in Sweden, and I know they don’t want to have to face that possibility again. I should also get another travel adapter and some luggage tags, and some other little things. For the next few days I think I’m just going to sit here and thank any gods there might be for giving me this opportunity. I have a feeling this is going to be a lifechanger.

I'm getting pretty antsy about leaving for Uppsala. It's not so much the trip in itself, since I've basically done it before. Not that exact city, of course, but I've taken several trips that were very similar, have lived abroad, all that jazz. Of course this time will be different since I'll be attending a foreign university, but still. Once the initial anxiety of "oh God I'm in a new place and have no idea what I'm supposed to DO!" wears off, I'll adjust pretty quickly. Always have before, at least, so I have that going for me. I also have several dear friends not far away, and that's very comforting since it's a fairly new development in my life.

No, most of the nervousness I haven't been able to shake lately is due to the whole residence permit situation. Anyone who knows me or has followed my blogs in the past few years knows how disappointed I was in being unable to get a residence permit approved for Lund in 2009. I was told that the Migration Board didn't accept conditional loans. Now, of course, that was an online masters program, and the loan program for American students studying abroad has changed a lot since then. I've been assured that the student loans are accepted now, and there's not much more I can do about it but wait and hope.

I still have more than a month until classes actually begin, and I received an email from the Permit Unit on July 15th stating that they were looking at my case. So, it shouldn't take too long, all told. Could, of course, but I'm hoping they can get an answer to me sometime in the beginning/middle of August.

I just feel like I'm sort of locked in place. If the permit gets approved, I'll be spending at least the next two years of my life in Sweden. That makes me really happy, but I sort of need to prepare for a big move like that. I have airline tickets to buy, housing to get sorted out, shopping to do (for luggage, a good laptop, a global phone, etc.), and a lot of mental preparation since I'll be attending a large university with a lot of people to interact with on a regular basis. I'm pretty confident that I can do it, and think I need to in order to grow as a person, but it's still gonna take some getting used to in my head.

If the permit isn't approved, well...I'm going to appeal that decision. I did with Lund, too, but it didn't work. Still, the loans are offered by the school, if a student isn't allowed to GO to school with them they shouldn't be offered, and since the school has assured me they're accepted, I will appeal. But I also don't want to start preparing to go before I know for sure. I think the experience with Lund left a bad taste in my mouth about the entire process, and I'm not going to buy a new laptop, phone and luggage, or a plane ticket, without being 100% sure.

Waiting is hard. I lack patience. lol

I know I haven't updated in awhile, and to anyone that reads this (yeah, as if, but just on the off-chance) I'm sorry for that, but nothing really interesting has been happening so I felt no need to clutter my pretty blog up with posts about watching Doctor Who like a rabid fangirl and going for short walks around the neighborhood.

I did start my two classes at American Public University, and those are going fairly well so far, although my level of motivation is virtually nil. Still, they make me feel like I'm not completely wasting my time, so they're serving their purpose. I was also accepted into a masters program at Uppsala University, which is good news but I'm trying to hold off on getting into party mode over it until the residence permit is in my hands. I know it sounds defeatist, but my experiences with the Swedish Migration Board have NOT been very good so far and I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed for some arbitrary reason decided on that day by some disgruntled bureaucratic worker. But I digress, and say only that I'll do my best to make it happen.

I am also pleased to report that I got a job, after almost five months of searching. It happened rather suddenly, and I didn't exactly go about accepting it the way I should have as an avoidant. Basically, I did something I know better than to do and feel like a complete dunce about it.

I'd responded to an ad for a customer service rep at a local camera repair shop months ago. They only called on Tuesday, and an interview was set up for 10am Wednesday. I went, and although I had some awkward moments I was apparently coherent enough to pass their tests, as I was offered the job.

Which is yay! I was pleased. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that the rather kindly old man who hired me asked when I'd like to start, and to make a good impression I told him I could start at any time. He suggested I come in tomorrow at 10am to begin my first day. I agreed.

Now, for most people this wouldn't be a huge issue. I'm sure anyone would be a bit nervous, but they'd be able to go, and to be okay with going. I thought, when I agreed, that I could be that way too, but given my history I should have known better.

I am panicking. A lot. Not currently having an attack but several have already taken place, and the anxiety is immense. With my avoidance, any abrupt changes in schedule can cause chaos, especially if they're unexpected. This one was. Generally, if I know I'm to begin something and I have a few days to get used to the idea, I can be pretty okay with it. But without that preparation time for my mind, I am a complete wreck.

I don't know why I self-sabotage this way. I really wish I'd just asked to start on Monday instead, would have given me a bit of time to adjust to the idea. I'm pretty much kicking myself now for not asking for the rest of the week/weekend to get acclimated to the notion that I'll be starting new things.

But yeah, too late now. I suppose if I'm feeling this badly I can call in the morning and see if they might be okay with it. I don't want to, since that will look bad, but if it's bad enough I may have to. It's to the point where I can barely fathom breathing let alone leaving the house, and the idea of going there and trying to learn all these new things in a new place with people who will think I'm an idiot is making me have palpitations. I feel physically drained, tense and my breathing is funny.

They do have an answering machine at the shop. I am really considering calling and telling them that I've fallen ill, and asking to put off my start date until Monday if it's not too terribly inconvenient for them. Yes, it would be a sort of lie, and one I wouldn't be proud of, but it does have truth in it. The way I am feeling at this moment, I cannot leave the house, let alone work in any kind of effective way.

Logically I know that if I do call, explain that I'm ill and will not be able to make it in, they will more than likely be understanding and allow me to begin Monday instead. It doesn't seem like something they would simply pass me over for the job about. Of course, I don't know this for sure but things do happen, and to all intents and purposes I am quite ill today. Not from anything contagious but my heart is racing, I am anxious, my head is a complete and utter mess and I wouldn't be able to retain anything they taught me to begin with.

I feel awful. Either scenario, going and fighting through it or staying home and praying they give me a second chance, terrifies me. I hate the idea of anyone thinking I'm lazy or incompetent. I'm not. I want to work. I want this job, I simply don't think I can handle going and trying to act like I'm okay when I'm not and when I desperately need a little time to get accustomed to the idea.

I feel like a failure.

I was cleaning out my external hard drive earlier this evening and found an old picture that I'd taken during my first trip to Edinburgh in 2007. It made me homesick for the city, as I haven't been back since early 2009 and it seems like a lifetime ago. I suppose that's fairly understandable since I've changed so much in two years, but still.

The one thing that strikes me as somewhat odd is how much I adored Edinburgh while I was there. It's a beautiful city, and I wandered a hell of a lot. But my avoidant tendencies were at just about their lowest point while I was living there. I was able to leave my room, most days, to look for work or to complete some schoolwork at an internet cafe in the city center before getting my own computer. I took lots of random bus rides to all the little outlying villages and towns and saw so many things that I'm so immensely grateful for. But I did it alone. Not entirely, as I was close to my best friend, and we talked all the time over messenger. Eventually she became my girlfriend, and I went to Sweden to see her twice, once for a week right after arriving in Edinburgh and for almost a month over Christmas of that year. But to all intents and purposes, other than talking to her online, I was alone in Edinburgh.

I did get up the courage to go meet up with one of my lovely Scottish friends who was attending uni in the city, but it only happened once. She was great, knew about my social issues and didn't seem to mind terribly. I wish I'd been able to see her more, would have been fun, but sadly I was in a terrible state while I was in Scotland. I spent the majority of my free time in my room. Found it difficult to even speak to my roommate, and he's one of the gentlest guys on the planet. I still feel a bit bad for not really interacting with him, but I was terrified he'd think I was an idiot. Hell, even during Christmas with my girlfriend's family I hid in their guest room. I didn't WANT to, but I was so scared of them I couldn't come out and interact. She told me later that her parents think I'm weird. Well...yeah.

Anyway, as I said, for all the avoidance issues I adored Edinburgh and would love to go see it when I'm a bit more socially able. I kinda figured Sweden would be just as lonely, but I met people who seemed to accept me, and the effect that had on my AvPD was amazing. I wanted to be social there, with them, and for the most part, I was. I can be as stubborn as an Alabama mule when I really want something, especially when that has to do with improving my personality. (This will probably get siphoned into my weight loss and health plan next...I feel like butt, and I'm tired of it. Not exactly personality but yeah...)

I've been a shut-in since coming back to America. There are a lot of reasons for this, but it needs to end. Or at least lessen, somewhat. Gonna work on that.

Today is Christmas Eve, and a lot of people In the US have celebrations today. Tomorrow too, but today is still big. My family is very nontraditional when it comes to holiday stuff, and we usually just gather at my aunt's and eat some weird kind of gourmet food that she insists on, usually something elegant like prime rib. Personally I'd rather be traditional and have a turkey and all that stuff, but hey, what can I do.

I've been in Sweden for the past two Christmases. 2008 was spent with DD and her family, and 2009, I was by myself, but in my awesome apartment with good food so it was fine. I did call my family in the States but it never seemed like they missed me, which is probably true, they don't seem to like me much in general lol.

I adore Christmas but it usually makes me kinda lonely. I love all the lights, the music, the decorations, the way people seem to be sweeter to one another in general (of course, I don't work retail so this little observation hasn't yet been sullied by reality :P). I've always wanted a family, and this seems like the big "family holiday" for most people. I'm a lone wolf in general, but it still kinda hurts.

Anyway, I'd been somewhat dreading going to my aunt's tonight. I'd been informed by my grandpa that "oh, well, she invited you" which I still think is a bit odd...I mean, I'm family, shouldn't it just be expected that I be there? I know I haven't been in the country at the holidays for years, but still, I'd never thought my family would feel the need to "invite" me to the Christmas celebration.

My anxiety had been going haywire over the prospect of sitting around trying to make conversation with all these people, and the uncle who doesn't like me at all, and the fact that since being laid off I can't even afford to buy any gifts for anyone, and I just wasn't looking forward to it. So, yesterday I called my grandpa and tried to explain that it's just not a comfortable situation for me, and that I'm sure no one really cares whether I'm there or not. He got mad and said that I'll have to make conversation with people my whole life and that I need to stop using the anxiety as an excuse so often. And while he's right...these people never act like they want me around, so really, why should I go and subject myself to hours upon hours of feeling anxious and awkward? I told him I was sorry but that I couldn't do it.

This morning, he called to make sure I wasn't coming, and told me that I was still "invited." Yeah, thanks. Got it. Then he said that with all the snow (we've gotten about 6 inches in this area so driving sucks right now) it'd be a "real nuisance" to come pick me up anyway. I know what he meant, but just...gah.

I know this post is kind of emo and whiny but sometimes I just don't understand why my family are such asses to me all the time. Makes me feel horrible. I take solace in the fact that I have lovely friends who care about me and have wished me Merry Christmas. I'm gonna spend tonight and tomorrow curled up in my blankie and slippers, watching the final season of Seinfeld and then Undeclared. I'm also gonna make the trek down the block to the gas station and get myself some chocolate, which I only get a craving for about twice a year anyway. I have one now, though, and I see no reason to deny myself. I'm also gonna make sure I have food and stuff to make it until the City wakes up and gets things cleared off so the buses can run. I'll also be able to see the clerks who work there, who are pretty much all my buddies since I live so close and am in there so much lol. I think that'll be good for cheering me up. Then I'll put on some Christmas music and forget that my family kinda sucks in general. Next year, and hopefully every year after that, I'll be in Sweden at least somewhat close to my real family, so it's gonna be just fine.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I has them. Over 14 hours of them, for some unexplained reason. I suppose when one has no job ore other responsibilities in life, one can sleep as much as they damn well please. But I was quite happy with this development anyway.

Normally, I don't stay up too late. I've always been rather nocturnal, and have stayed up most of the night as long as I can remember. Even in Sweden it wasn't unusual for me to be awake at 4am and asleep at noon the following day. I had nothing to get up for, so why not?

Since being back in the States, though, I've been going to bed pretty early. For me anyway. My 3-week temp job that started at 6:30am may have had a lot to do with it, but I think the fact that I talk to two beautiful Swedes all the damn time and they're 7 hours ahead of me is a bigger part. Anyway, I've been very good lately and haven't slept past noon in months, which is kind of a huge thing for me since I'm a total bum.

I don't know what happened today. I went to bed around midnight after reading a few chapters in an awesome library book, and slept fairly well. A few nightmares but nothing serious. I woke up and looked at my clock at about 10am, figured I had nothing pressing to get up for, and decided to snooze for a bit more.

The next time I awoke, it was 3:13pm. That's right folks, I slept all freaking day, and now feel like the unemployed, lazy vagrant my family so steadfastly insists on reminding me I am. But damn it all, it feels really freaking nice. The sleep, not the whole being unemployed thing, although that's not even bad since I'm still getting paychecks. That'll stop soon and I'll feel horrible about myself again, but for right now? Fuck it all.

I'm gonna order me a pizza and watch a movie.

Laziness ahoy! Potential employers...well, if you're reading this for whatever reason, I don't even know. Hell, I'm only applying to places like KFC anyway so I don't think this'll really hurt my chances.

So, I was laid off from the temp job on the Army base. Which is fine, I knew it was a temp job going in, but I'm kinda peeved that it didn't last much longer than 3 weeks because I've found that while I'm definitely not too concerned about money, I do have rather expensive tastes for a poor person.

Well, not really. For most people, anyway. But it's like...I've lived on the street, and I get pissy because I can't afford ingredients to make myself this really awesome Greek pasta thingy in my electric skillet. Haha, I guess that's not exactly the high life, but still. All I actually need to pay for is my rent, which is a steal since my great-granny's my landlord, and my internet/electricity/food. So it's not as if I need a huge sum of money coming in every month, but I'd really like one anyway.

I've made the decision to apply for a master's degree program in New York City at their City College. It's a Working Adults degree in the Study of the Americas, which is basically what I did in undergrad. Very liberal arts based, but it's something. To be completely honest, I feel suffocated by my hometown and I want to live in New York, and the degree feels like the most sensible/financially feasible way to do that. I still intend to go to school in Sweden, but I feel like staying here until next September will kill me.

Obviously it won't. At least, I hope not. But with my luck I'd probably get hit by a bus on the way to work my crappy job (should it ever get more project stuff so it can hire me back). I just feel like, since coming back here, all the "adults" I encounter aren't all that awesome, and it makes me really sad. A lot of the people I worked with for these few short weeks were super depressing. That's nothing against them, since I know they're doing the best they can. But my God, that isn't any kind of life I want. Getting stuck here would kill me, so if I can get into school in an awesome city for 6 months, that'd rule.

I wish I was funny enough to blog for a living, really. Sadly, all I seem to do in my blogs is whine a lot, I'm rarely if ever amusing. Which I feel is a huge injustice to my character. I must seem like a really mopey depressed person, but I'm really not. I get that way sometimes, as everyone does, but for the most part, life amuses the shit out of me and I can always find things to laugh at. I think I need to work on projecting positivity into my life, rather than just laughing to myself so much. What's happiness if you can't share it? Oh hell, there I go attempting to be profound. Such literary egotism from someone whose typing is worse than her 11 year old cousin's.

Anyway, I'm really gonna try to start acting happier. Hopefully it'll bleed over into feeling happier.

I'm also considering a travel blog. I figure I've been to/lived in several places around the world, and I have some awesome stories that I don't want to get lost in all my other whiny woe is me blog posts. Both have their purpose but I feel a travel blog would be nice. Especially when I get to NYC.

I miss my Swedes and Sweden itself terribly and can't wait to go back!

Had a meeting with my new caseworker today. Had absolutely no idea what to expect going in, and apparently she was a bit confused as well. She had my file, and it shows that I was denied a student permit several times. She then said that since it's taken the office in Malmö so long to decide my most recent application, I haver the right to appeal.

When I applied, it was for a three month extension of stay. This was because I met so many awesome people, and wanted to stay a bit longer. I never intended to stay permanently. I'd been denied a student permit, and while I still think that denial is bullshit, it's over and done and I accept and respect their decision.

New caseworker lady seemed to think that I was trying to deceive the government, though. She read me the decision (was all in Swedish and pretty long, so I'm grateful for that) and apparently the Malmö office was mad that I hadn't shown them a return flight ticket. They also thought that since I'd been denied a student permit, I was trying to find any way to stay here permanently. Not the case, but I can see how they'd think that.

What gets me about that though, is that tickets from here to the States cost almost a thousand US dollars. Why the hell would I have bought one before I applied for the extension? If it had been approved, obviously I couldn't have flown home. And if I didn't know the date I'd be leaving, how could I be expected to book a flight anyway? It'd cost either a fortune to buy a rebookable ticket or a fortune to change the date.

Bah. Anyway. New casewoker lady had the decision, but I never got a copy of it. It was never sent to me. This seemed to surprise my caseworker, but it...kinda seems to be the way things work with these people lol. Apparently they didn't make a decision until May 28th anyway lol. Fucking slackers. But since it took them so long, caseworker says I have the right to appeal. I have three weeks to decide, and then if I do appeal, she says it'll take either several or seven months for the next decision. I'm assuming she said several since seven seems a bit excessive lol. But either way, I guess.

She says she thinks I should go home, that I can come back in three months. And that I knew the rules before coming, yada yada. This was said in a tone as if I'd had it planned all along and did this on purpose to mislead them. Uh, no. Yes, I knew the rules, and I followed them...they didn't give me a student permit. I came for a 3 month stay, and applied for an extension because I met friends and wanted to stay longer. I wasn't trying to deceive anyone, and it was never my intention to stay permanently. They think it was, but I guess that's on them since there's really nothing I can do to DISPROVE it. Then again, they can't really prove it, either.

Caseworker highly recommended going home. I can see that; they're not gonna approve me, they think I'm trying to stay for good. But I feel I'm within my rights to be here as long as it's legal, even if I'm just waiting for them to deny me.

So, I don't know. I think I'm going to appeal and hopefully get to stay long enough for my next check to come.

I finally heard from Migrationsverket today. They want me to go to a meeting in Boden on Friday at 2pm. I called to speak to the lady that sent me the letter, since it had DD's name on it too. She assured me that it's fine and she only needs me to be there, though. She just did that because I used DD as my "main contact" while I'm here.

I'm scared to death. I know I shouldn't be...even if they send me home, it's not like I can never come back. Still, I'm terrified. I don't know what they could possibly want to ask me.

Then again...if they were gonna deny me, they'd just go ahead and deny me, right? I mean, my application was only until April 19th., They obviously know that I'm here past the date I applied for, so I'd think that if they were upset they'd simply tell me to go home. Instead they want to discuss my case. The lady I'm meeting with sounded very nice too.

I don't wanna get my hopes up since I did that before and it turned out to be a bit of a disaster. Still...the fact that they wanna meet with me can only be a good sign, right? I mean, otherwise they'd just tell me to go home, wouldn't they? It wouldn't make sense for them to ask me to go talk with them if they could just send me something saying GTFO.

Still. Panic attacks are getting to me. This thing takes place on Friday and I just got the letter today. Which is fine, they only sent it last Thursday, but still. That's not a ton of notice and I'm pretty damn anxious about it.

I know that I've been very lucky, even if I do end up having to go home. I've been in Pite since October 21st. I've made amazing friends. I've seen very beautiful cities and countryside and wilderness. I've adapted to a culture very different from my own. It's been an experience I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. But I still want to stay.

This place is my home. I don't want to leave, even if only for three months.

I know it's my own fault for staying in this program, but dear Lord. I have never felt so inferior in my entire life. I know I should take it easier on myself since I do have brain damage that affects my computational skills and in my defense I didn't realize this stuff would be quite so computer intensive, but...gah.

The thing that upsets me most is that it's not impossible to understand. The last course took me 9 months, but I WAS eventually able to work it out for myself. I will with this one too, it's just incredibly frustrating that it takes so freaking long to grasp it.

I know people think I'm lazy and that I never study, mostly because I want them to think that. That way, they can't look down on me for being stuck on one equation for 3 months. In reality, I spend hours every day reading my textbooks over and over again, writing notes in longhand in my notebooks, typing page after page of them on the computer and reading them aloud to myself in hopes that something will click. Sometimes it does, but if so it takes forever.

I've completed one assignment. I signed up for 100% temp, and I'm supposed to be done by June 30th. I want to be, and I can be ambitious and think that I'll do one exercise per day. Really, I just hope I'm somewhere close to that deadline this time.

Yeah, okay, so it's just one class. But it was the first class for my master's degree, and I feel pretty good about it even if it took me 9 months to complete the damn thing.

I've always known that I suck at science and math and anything remotely computational. When I enrolled in the program, I was under the misguided impression that it was going to be more...well, I guess old-fashioned cartography is the best way to put it. As in paper maps drawn artistically and ornate script used for the map keys. It's not like that at all, and while I know it's my own fault for not looking into it further before signing up, I'm still kinda disappointed.

This program is basically a form of computer science, involving a ton of coding and formulas and computation. And I suck at it. I managed to pass the exam only by realizing a big mistake that my teachers made - we have selftests online at the end of each module, and the exam questions are lifted word-for-word from these. Given that the exams are online, I can easily go into the selftests and find the answers. Voila, passing grade. I know it's bad of me, but I honestly do know the material. The questions just have very specific multiple answers and if you don't get every single one correct, you get no credit for the question.

So, yeah. I found out I passed this afternoon and enrolled in the next course immediately. I'm starting the work on my first assignment for that course, and while I don't think I'll finish it today at least I'm doing something. I want to see how far I can possibly get before June.

I got an email today from Lund, and it just makes me even more sure that I made a good decision in my choice of graduate school. Not so much with the program itself, but seriously, this:

( Yay Lund )

After the Summer of Fuckery and Beyond with Migrationsverket, it left a really good impression. This email today and the obvious concern for their foreign students makes me really happy I chose Lund.

As my planned departure date (Thursday, the 6th) gets closer, I can't help but consider staying in Piteå anyway.

I'm not manic, and I'm trying to be realistic and responsible. Yes, my caseworker said he suggests I travel home, but I'm legally allowed to stay until an official decision is made on my case. It seems a bit silly to throw away 9000kr in rent money for the 3 months I won't be here, as well as over 1000US on a plane ticket if there's no true, legal reason for me to leave.

( Yay Sweden )

I love Pite. I feel at home here. I've never felt that way about any other place on Earth except for Edinburgh, and all of Scotland. But while I had an emotional connection there, I didn't have the personal connection with so many new friends that I've made here. I don't want to leave, and I'm not going to until I absolutely have to.