InsaneJournal

40. Stop feeling guilty for things in the past
I'm not totally there, but I'm counting this as completed anyway. I'm really a little shocked at how much progress I've made on it since I started this list. It's really kind of amazing to me.

Maybe I'm just finally growing up or maturing or something. Or maybe I'm just finally starting to be okay with myself. Who the hell knows, but I like it. Sorta. I'm scared of it, but I still like it.

Anyway, yeah. I've done a lot of stupid shit. I've hurt people. I never meant to, and it was never done maliciously. And you know what? I can't be forever on my knees whispering "mea culpa" for everything. Somewhere along the line I allowed myself to become a scapegoat, and I'm done being that. I can't live that way anymore. It's not really living.

I didn't kill my mom. Logically I know that, and I'm starting to know it emotionally too. I didn't destroy my dad's life. He did that all on his own. My stepmom hating me is because she's a bitch. I didn't make her that way, even if she took it out on me. I never took advantage of Laurel. She says I did because it makes it easier on her to blame me for something she dislikes in herself for whatever reason. I didn't kill my son. He died because he was too good for this world, not because I fucked up. I didn't ruin Morph's life. His problems are his own, I can't be held responsible for him still being a child at 27 years old.

Yes, I lied to some of my friends about events in my past. I regret it and wish it hadn't happened, but I never denied it, nor did I make excuses for it. I apologized and meant it, and I can't do anything more. If they still hold it over my head, that's on them. I can't take it back, and I feel awful about it. But I can't  constantly be made to feel as if I'm not good enough to be forgiven. I fucked up, and I apologized. I need to move on. They can go their own way. It's sad but I can't beat myself up anymore.

I can't do that about anything anymore. I can't change the past. All I can do is make the future better for myself, and part of that means associating with people who will allow me to become the person I want and need to be. Not people who won't allow me to change and hold my past mistakes over my head for all time. Everybody fucks up. I expect perfection from nobody, and I don't think it's unreasonable of me to ask for the same thing in return.